MOO MA AND THE MAGICAL DILDO BISCUIT!
by EvesSexDrive
Summary: "Bernard, Bernard, where are they! Where did you put them?" Manny was frantic.


MOO MA AND THE MAGICAL DILDO BISCUIT! Chapter One – The Prelude

"Bernard, Bernard, where are they!? Where did you put them?" Manny was frantic. His beard was moulting like a long-haired guinea pig and his hair was swirling around like a drunken octopus.

"Manny! What is it? What could you possibly want now? First you're looking for such luxuries as a 'tooth brush', and now you're trying to find those things you put on your legs after you've finished breakfast." Bernard was sat at his desk as always, sucking smoke into his lungs and twirling his greasy brown mop.

"They're trousers, Bernard! You can't have your parents over without putting on trousers. I know we've got somewhat relaxed around here with Fran being away, but please!" He'd started flinging books out from the top shelves, peering up at the spaces between the bricks. It was true, he had started caring a little less about that sort of thing around his friend, but his parents couldn't know about the habits he'd fallen into. It was bad enough they knew he wasn't really studying at univesity to be a cabbage-veterinarian, but there were some things they just couldn't know.

"Manny! If you want them back, fine! But come over here and open this wine for me first." He beckoned with the scowl he always had on his face, and flailed his arm out in the general direction of the worrisome Hawaiian-shirted creature, bottle in hand. Manny grabbed the corkscrew from the desk and steadied the bottle in Bernard's hand, shaking a little and looking at him while he fiddled it into place.

"Hold it still, Bernard, I can't get a grip!" He finally managed to stick the corkscrew in and give it a turn, "There, come on, I've started..." He twisted it all the way in then started tugging. "Nrrgh..." he grunted. Bernard shook his head, but his hand stayed fastened on the bottle as Manny pulled.

_Pop!_ The cork came out of the bottle, and Manny flew back and landed on a pile of books, his hairy little legs flailing in the air. Bernard cackled and took a swig straight from the bottle, his beady eyes glancing briefly to in Manny's direction.

"Fine, fine Manny. They're in the toaster!"

"But we don't have a toaster!" Said Manny, sitting up, a little flushed.

"It's in the cat!"

"Oh..."

_Chapter 2 – The Return of Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa_

Moo-Pa and Moo-Ma bumbled through the door at 5:47 exactly as expected. Bernard hadn't moved since the night before, but he somehow looked even more filthy than he did before.

"Moo-Ma! You're here! So glad to see you!" Manny bounded forward in his slightly singed trousers and embraced his mother. "And Moo-Pa!"

"Hiiidelly Hii, is that the Chattenooga Choochoo..."

Bernard was stock still, and his eyes twitched in his burnt-out skull. If that man sang that song one more time...

It was bad enough the first time they visited, but Fran was around that time. At least they didn't believe Fran and Manny were together anymore. That really got to him, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"Oh Manny, it's so nice you're letting us stay here again. You both have such a lovely little shop thing going on together." Said Moo-Ma, peering around at the piles of books and the little blackboard in the corner with the ongoing battle of insults between Manny and Bernard.

"We? We?! Who's bloody shop is this again?" Muttered Bernard Black under his breath.

"What was that, Bernard dear?!" Said Moo-Ma.

"Bernard! Isn't it nice! Yes... You letting them stay in the shop for three whole nights.

"Yes, yes, that thing. The thing. With the thing."

**********************************************LINE !

After much of the usual bumbling and proud simpering, Manny's parents finally managed to talk themselves into utter boredom. They mumbled something about being hungry and Manny went into the kitchen and made some ham and soufflé for everyone. At least, after Bernard had yelled at him for a few minutes.

"Ahh, isn't this nice," said Moo-Ma, "Finally that silly Fran is out of both of your hair and you can..." She trailed off...

Moo-Pa interjected. "It's so nice to see you both running the business together so well. She was never _your_ type of girl, was she."

Bernard scowled again and whispered, "Manny, what exactly did you tell your parents between their last visit and now?"

"Not much, not much. Um... I mentioned I was helping you sell books! And the thing!"

"What thing?"

"\The thing with the ants and the hair... Umm.."

"What, I don't remember..."

Moo-Pa laughed like an evil genius, "I AM SICK OF THIS TOMFOOLERY. I AM THE WOLF KING AND YOU ARE MY SLAVES. BOW TO ME, FOOLISH MORTALS."

"MOO-PA!" Manny shouted. He stood up and patted his dad on the shoulder, trying to calm him. "Come on Moo-Pa, calm down, we don't need this again."

Bernard joined in, "Oh yes, shut up already! Last thing we need is another furry bastard monster man-thing spreading its shredded wheaty bits all over the place! Fuck!"

Manny looked back and forth between them, a panicked look in his eyes."

"EXCUSE ME SIR, I DO NOT THINK YOU KNOW WHO I AM. I AM THE WOLF BISCUIT MANBEARD KING AND MY COCK IS HUNGRY." Moo-Pa's eyes were bulging and sweat was gushing from his receeding hairline.

Manny ran around behind him and raised his hand, then gave him a sharp wallop on the back. He coughed and spluttered, and wheezed like a copulating bobcat, then coughed up three pairs of dentures.

"Ahem..." Moo-Pa grumbled. "Sorry about that... One of my funny turns." He turned toward Moo-Ma. "Moo-Ma, I think we should be getting off to bed. Then Manny and Bernard can getting on with running the shop, you know, accounts and the like..." Moo-Ma nodded and they both got up and shuffled upstairs into the other room.

_Chapter 3 – BEES_

Bernard lit his fifty-seventh cigarrette from the previoius one and looked at Manny, who still looked bewildered at his father's outburst.

"Isn't it funny... How your parents."

"What about my parents?"

"Well Manny, your parents seemed to think... Well, the thing is. That we are, you know..." Bernard was facing many now, cigarrette hanging between his last two fingers and dropping ash on the carpet.

"What? I don't remember anything other than that thing with the." Manny looked very afraid and confused and was blushing more than ever. Bernard took another step forward, his stubble glinting in the lamp-light.

"Well the thing is that I think maybe that they had maybe possibly half prehaps believed. In a sense, that we were... A thing."

Manny stopped glancing around and his eyes stared straight into Bernards. "A... A what?" He looked like a confused puppy. His brown eyes full of emotion.

They were standing face to face in the middle of the dim smoky bookshop and the cigarette slipped out from between Bernard's fingers. He lifted his hand upto Manny's face and it somehow landed on his cheek. Manny could smell his irresistable musk. The mix of wine, cigarrettes and unwashed lemon-bits. It was was had drawn him into the bookshop all those years ago. He could never explain the attraction, let alone admit it to himself.

**************************************LIIIHNEKIOuf go

Their lips finally connected and Bernard's rough hands felt across Manny's fuzzy form under his colourful shirt. Manny blinked.

"B-Bernard, what are wedoing?"

"Oh nothing, just that thing where we're drunk and your dad was a wolfbastard and then we have lots of sex?"

"Oooh, oh! Sex! Why didn't you say so before! I know lots about that." He broke free from Bernard's grasp and went over to the desk. He jumped up on it and dropped his trousers. "Look at meee, Bernard, I have a magic wand!"

"Yes, Manny, very clever. Now put it away and calm down I was only kidding..."

"Oh..." Manny's embarrassed face was confused, but it soon turned to a pleasantly surprised grin as the bookshop owner's lips closed around his engorged


End file.
